he said he's leaving, i accepted that.

before he left, everything was okay. He made me feel things will be alright. He'll visit, he'll call.
I thought everything's going to be okay. Things are not going to be easy, i knew that. But I was willing to
make the sacrifices just to make it work.


and then, just a month after he left he says he doesn't want to make the relationship deeper because things will be just
hard for the both of us. How selfish is that?

my heart yells: OUCH!

so what does that mean?
what he feels for me and the times that we shared together are all LIES.

"the truth didn't hurt, the lies did"

And whats worse, he didn't even let me know that he's leaving now, FOR GOOD. He left me hanging, waiting.



Waiting......



for.......




nothing.....






and he said he did not guarantee anything? well guess what? that's bs.




why did you have to kill me? I can die on my own.

My heart Died Today

my heart died today, april 02,2009.

Things are just starting to get really special. But then, life wouldn't just let me be happy.
First off, he said he's about to resign. I didn't want to talk about it. He was hired in a company in Pampanga. What? All along I thought he's going to stay here. But there's still hope deep inside that he'll change his mind. Then reality sets in.

s: di ko alam sasabihin ko, ano ba ko sayo?
 
n: ur more than a friend choy
 
s: lagi ako inaasar ni rolet kung bakit wala akong bf, kasi daw ung mga boys ko hanggang    introduction lang, walang ginagawa.naiinis ako sa kanya pag ganun di na lang ako nagsasalita..
   I like you, in case you havent noticed.pro alam ko naman yung tungkol sa family mo at naiintidihan    ko din na sila ung priority mo. I realized that i dont need a rel just to prove that what i feel is       real. pero ang gulo lang..tas aalis ka..xempre di madali sakin un..
 
n: alam ko naman un at nalulungkot din ako..nahihiya na
    DI KITA MAPANINDIGAN SARAH...
 
s:  ayoko maawa sa sarili ko pero un ung nararamdaman ko, kung yun ung choice na pinili mo wala naman akong magagawa don eh..
 
n:  uh dont have to feel that way..please dont..im sorry choy..;c
 
n:  choy sorry..


di kita mapanindigan..the words keep playing on my mind over and over..then tears fell from my eyes. I don't want to think or feel anything, make me numb.

Falling Star

i was staring at the stars hoping id catch one fall.

I practically tried all the wishing wells all over Baguio with just one single wish in mind. It got me thinking, things could have been perfect if he's here. The trip was really fun and its my first time going out of town with these girls, but I am not that happy without him. Here we go again, me talking about him, using the pages of this blog and the audience might get tired of the same old story. But what can I do? I cant last a day without thinking about him.

But what's sad is that even though he can be one of my priorities, his list of priorities is so full that my five letter name couldn't fit at all. He has a lot of reasons and he can think of a thousand more. As an old tagalog saying goes...

"kung gusto may paraan kung ayaw may dahilan"..

I dont want to expect. I honestly dont want to expect at all. But this stupid heart is so stubborn and was expecting a fairy tale ending. But is it my fault? I like him because he made me like him, I expected because he made me expect things and im just human to fall.

and yes, you read me right.FALL.

I know things are not happening as I planned. What I told myself before is that Id just enjoy the moment and what happens happens. But things are starting to hurt already. I realized, were not even a couple yet but what I always get are disappointments and a broken self esteem. Im not demanding things from him and he knows that. Up to now I dont know what am I to him.

I guess, for him I'm not worth the risk and I cant understand myself that in spite of it all, I'm still here.

IM TIRED OF THIS GAME ALREADY but I cant make myself QUIT.

Valentine Pressure

Do I have a date?  But the question for me is, “should I really have to have one?” People are expecting everyone to go out with someone special, go on a date, receive roses or flowers or chocolates. Come to think of it, that’s the very commercialized image of this day. We are feeling pressured to receive or give something because that’s what they want us to feel. So that marketer’s could get something from your paycheck.  Im a marketing graduate, I should know.

But what’s funny is that deep inside we are all feeling pressured, specially the single ones. Haha

Rolette said: “ sa dinami-dami ng stalker mo, wala man lang nag-ask sayo ng date? Haha”

Then it got me thinking, should I go out on Saturday? Boylet1 keeps on asking me for a date even after three times of rejection. I don’t want to go out with him just for the sake of having a date on valentines day. What about ___ from school? He said he likes me maybe he’d ask me. But still, the idea of it doesn’t feel right.

From the Internet, here’s the meaning of valentines day:

noun. Valentines day- a day for the exchange of tokens of affection

Going back to Rolette’s question, I don’t give a damn if those stalkers (whatever you want to call them) don’t ask me for a date. I don’t want them to, because I have a problem letting other people down. If ever, I only want to go out with (insert name here). Haha.. Yikes. 

what made me think that im the priority and not just an option? Stupid me.

there’s nothing more painful than being hurt for the same exact reason, and what’s worse is that deep inside I know that Im ready to face the same pain over and over just to be with him.

He said he likes me. But I guess that’s not enough. He makes me feel special but were just friends. M.U? I dont know, and it sucks.BIGTIME.

But the hell with it, he makes me happy and I thought that’s enough. Well that’s what I thought.  Being with him is like standing in the rain, it feels good but deep inside,you know its going to make you sick. I was happy just being with him, but in this type of situation, I was never prepared to the fact that one day he could come up to me and say that he has another girl and of course, who am i to blame him if im just a friend, right?…
He broke up with his ex. With the f**** ex. He said that they are trying to fix things but he realized that It’ll never gonna work out. Shocking. I never thought he’s still talking with the ex. Much more, trying to build a broken relationship. Well, I should be happy, thrilled and full of joy.  

The important thing is IT DIDNT WORK OUT. 
But that’s not the case. I felt like a toy that was set aside when the kid found the long lost barbie doll.

I felt stupid, I felt betrayed. So all this time, when I was dealing with my feelings for him and thinking that its okay to be hurt just to be with him, he was out there exchaging hugs and sweet kisses with the long lost ex. When I was in my bed thinking of the times that we spent together, he was out there with another girl. Stupid me.

What made me think that he feels something for me? What made me think that he’ll stay? What made me think that Im the priority and not just the option?

I said im done. I said Im through. Its about time to let go of the things that hurt me even if they make me happy. I dont want the time to come that all the happiness was gone and all I could feel is the pain. I’ll let him go.

But deep inside I know I cant. What should I do?…Make me dumb, right now.

Its all about playing safe

were friends and yup, that’s basically it. Some actually think that we have “something” Some might say that we have a mutual understanding. But the answer? None of those. Its just that he’s the kind of person that you can easily talk to and very easy to please by the way. Thats the reason why we became this close. Somebody told me that its very hard to tell what I think or feel. That’s true. In fact, I can conceal my emotions without even trying.  So, what do I think? Here let me tell you. So first off, he makes me feel special. ( Not all the time though) Im not quite sure of what he thinks about me either. Sometimes I feel that he acts like a boyfriend, I dont know. Yes, he can be sweet sometimes, but he is like that to everybody. Im confused. On my end, he is special to me. Its hard to explain but let me try okay? Its not that I love him, like has a big difference with love. And I do get jealous too, when he starts to talk about other girls. (yikes) He’s special in a way that he’s in the middle of a friend and a special someone. Just in the middle. Maybe because im holding back and he’s holding back. I have my reasons he has his reasons. talk about playing safe huh? People are actually wishing, and hoping for us to be together. But I dont know. I havent thought about it. Dont they think that It’ll just make things complicated? And Im not really sure if we have something to start over with.    Why is he like that? Here’s my very own conclusions. 1. Maybe he’s just like that because he misses the feeling of having “someone” and having me around reminds him of that feeling. He misses the feeling but he really doesnt want to be committed. He has a point. This is a win-win situation for him. Iam there when he needs me but he can stop whenever he wants to. No promises, no hassles, easy way out.  Which is I find very unfair. First of all, why start something you have no intentions of finishing? Why would you let someone fall for you if you only want friendship? Sounds selfish? you decide for yourself. 2. Or maybe, he simply likes me.  So the bottomline is, do I want us to be together?  Im curious. What would it feel like? But does being curious mean that I do?…