Friday, January 30, 2009

what made me think that im the priority and not just an option? Stupid me.

there’s nothing more painful than being hurt for the same exact reason, and what’s worse is that deep inside I know that Im ready to face the same pain over and over just to be with him.

He said he likes me. But I guess that’s not enough. He makes me feel special but were just friends. M.U? I dont know, and it sucks.BIGTIME.

But the hell with it, he makes me happy and I thought that’s enough. Well that’s what I thought.  Being with him is like standing in the rain, it feels good but deep inside,you know its going to make you sick. I was happy just being with him, but in this type of situation, I was never prepared to the fact that one day he could come up to me and say that he has another girl and of course, who am i to blame him if im just a friend, right?…
He broke up with his ex. With the f**** ex. He said that they are trying to fix things but he realized that It’ll never gonna work out. Shocking. I never thought he’s still talking with the ex. Much more, trying to build a broken relationship. Well, I should be happy, thrilled and full of joy.  

The important thing is IT DIDNT WORK OUT. 
But that’s not the case. I felt like a toy that was set aside when the kid found the long lost barbie doll.

I felt stupid, I felt betrayed. So all this time, when I was dealing with my feelings for him and thinking that its okay to be hurt just to be with him, he was out there exchaging hugs and sweet kisses with the long lost ex. When I was in my bed thinking of the times that we spent together, he was out there with another girl. Stupid me.

What made me think that he feels something for me? What made me think that he’ll stay? What made me think that Im the priority and not just the option?

I said im done. I said Im through. Its about time to let go of the things that hurt me even if they make me happy. I dont want the time to come that all the happiness was gone and all I could feel is the pain. I’ll let him go.

But deep inside I know I cant. What should I do?…Make me dumb, right now.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Its all about playing safe

were friends and yup, that’s basically it.

Some actually think that we have “something” Some might say that we have a mutual understanding. But the answer? None of those. Its just that he’s the kind of person that you can easily talk to and very easy to please by the way. Thats the reason why we became this close.
Somebody told me that its very hard to tell what I think or feel. That’s true. In fact, I can conceal my emotions without even trying.  So, what do I think? Here let me tell you.
So first off, he makes me feel special. ( Not all the time though) Im not quite sure of what he thinks about me either. Sometimes I feel that he acts like a boyfriend, I dont know. Yes, he can be sweet sometimes, but he is like that to everybody. Im confused.
On my end, he is special to me. Its hard to explain but let me try okay? Its not that I love him, like has a big difference with love. And I do get jealous too, when he starts to talk about other girls. (yikes) He’s special in a way that he’s in the middle of a friend and a special someone. Just in the middle. Maybe because im holding back and he’s holding back. I have my reasons he has his reasons. talk about playing safe huh?
People are actually wishing, and hoping for us to be together. But I dont know. I havent thought about it. Dont they think that It’ll just make things complicated?

And Im not really sure if we have something to start over with. 
Why is he like that? Here’s my very own conclusions.

1. Maybe he’s just like that because he misses the feeling of having “someone” and having me around reminds him of that feeling. He misses the feeling but he really doesnt want to be committed. He has a point. This is a win-win situation for him. Iam there when he needs me but he can stop whenever he wants to. No promises, no hassles, easy way out.  Which is I find very unfair. First of all, why start something you have no intentions of finishing? Why would you let someone fall for you if you only want friendship? Sounds selfish? you decide for yourself.

2. Or maybe, he simply likes me. 

So the bottomline is, do I want us to be together?  Im curious. What would it feel like? But does being curious mean that I do?…